I suppose I have been sharing more about living with chronic pain syndrome and what it feels like to spend most of the day lying down in pain.
For the purpose of this post, I hope to rant a little bit. Just a tiny conversation between you and me. It will be our secret.
There have been three weeks of pain, and it’s getting old. I wake up to pain and go to sleep with the embers of what could be a flare-up right on my ass. I cursed again; surprisingly, I curse a lot these days.
None of my foul languages is due to pain. I just like how the words feel as they roll off my tongue. I have come to find the most childish things funny.
If I could press rewind
People often ask me, if I could go back in time, what would I change? I know the answer even before they are finished with the question.
If I knew I was going to suffer from this illness for so many years, I would have built a better support network and created a system in which I could remain financially independent.
If I could press rewind, I would have started therapy a lot earlier and realized just how much care I needed.
But since I can’t, I have to do all that work now.
Living with an illness that does not get better is frustrating, but what is worst, is not having the support you need to thrive.
Truthfully, it took me three years to believe the doctor when they said I had PTSD. I wish I could have believed them sooner.
I don’t feel like I have ranted enough, but I want to remind anyone who comes across this post. Create a safe place for you to share your worries and don’t care who judges you for them.
You know, today, I was in so much pain, all I could do was lay down and groan to myself.
I cried a bit because I didn’t have the words for it.
The pain was 7-8.5 today. I hate days like this because it makes me feel as if I am so damn weak.
I want to be strong enough to go hiking again, but for now, I will read books and bide my time.
If you want to know more about my work, check out my latest poetry collection.