Strength.
Honestly, I have never felt strong as I clawed my way through the trials of life. Always another fight, something more to overcome with time and wisdom.
I understand the need for hardship in life; I have become a much better writer after living through the hell of 2022. But I still would not wish it on my worst enemy.
The feeling of inadequacy feed on my bones with each step I take, how gruesome it is to face the dawn each day, fighting, always fighting.
My mother told me that I never take the comfortable road, and I am beginning to believe her. But with all my might, I wish she was wrong.
I used to feel so weak when others called me strong. Their encouragement felt like mockery to me. As if they saw me in pain and crying and could do nothing. They did not understand how to help a person who reached out their hand.
So I shut down, kept to myself, and locked my desire to depend on another. I locked it away, and yet I could not escape my fate. To lean on someone because they needed help just as much as I did.
The guilt of those moments still lay hidden in my mind. But I am learning to let them out in time.
How I learned to define strength
So when someone calls me reliable or brave, I understand that it means more about their values than mine.
I see strength as learning to be consistent and the honesty of self-reflection. It is breaking and learning to put the pieces together with a newness of mind and heart.
Strength can be defined as physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Faith or the belief in something, the ability to persevere when life gets hard, and asking for help in a dire situation are considered a form of strength.
But defining what we consider strength has to do with our core values rather than external influences.
I took the time to figure out what I considered a core value, and it all came down to one word– connection.
Why core values matter
The one word that describes my core value is connection. I believe in the genuine nature of forming deep connections with another person. To create such a connection, I first as a person if they have become their true self.
It is a trick question. People are constantly changing; the key is to become someone you would be proud to have a conversation with.
I judge a friendship by the criteria of whether or not I would be honored to have them at my dining table.
A simple method works better than complicated calculations in their context.
The answer comes to me quickly, then I ask myself if I should work on building a deeper connection with someone.
The core values of another person usually allow me to find the answer I need rather than the answer I want.
I learned early in my life that I can not fix another person; I can only fix myself and grow to become someone I can be proud of.
Most days, I do very good at building connections with myself and looking for the places I need to work on.
But there are moments when I am tired, and I feel weak. I now know there is strength in the ability to persevere in uncertainty and beauty in understanding yourself.
I used to think I was weak, but now I understand that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
If you want to know more about my work, check out my latest poetry collection.
Spice and Nice 