On Saturdays, I lose pieces of me

Photo by Nikko Tan on Pexels.com

On Saturdays, my best friend goes to church. And once more, I am reminded of how it feels to be alone.

I spend my moments reading or searching for some type of connection again. I have found out something about myself in the last few years, just how much I crave connection with others. Walking into a room feels almost inviting when the possibility of connecting with another person hangs in the air.

I find myself holding my breath in these open spaces, maybe the last few years with that pandemic have made me skittish. I breathe out into a room where we no longer have to wear a mask and I smile.

This time, I try not to put on a fake smile that screams, “I’m trying, please be my friend!”

Or……….. “I’m not good at small talk, but do you want to know more about how our brain handles trauma?”

The answer I want

I don’t know their answer, but sometimes I assume it’s no. Because that is the answer, I want to hear. I want to be told no when I approach new friends and situations, so I can run back to my therapist and tell her I tried.

That’s my favorite thing to do, try just the basics, fail purposefully, and then feel good about myself for trying in the first place.

These are my toxic traits.

I dance slowly with my failures and reminisce over them like they were fond memories. This process is not healthy, but it allows me to understand why I failed.

What I have learned through this process is how to create a better process to try and do.

You know the old phrase, “There is no try; just do.”

I have taken into consideration how it leads to self-growth.

Why is understanding our failures a good habit to have on our journey toward emotional healing?

What do we do with the correct answer?

Neuroscience will tell us how our brain forms new neuro-pathways while we learn how to form better habits.

But how do we transition that information into practical knowledge? And why is it important?

On Saturdays, when my best friend goes to church, my brain goes in a mini-panic on filling that gap in my connections. I run scenarios on when I’ll find another close friend or ask myself the dreaded question, “will I ever make new friends?”

My brain travels along those previously established pathways and finds the ‘turn left’ sign missing.

It panics; this is normal.

Lately, I have started reciting a mantra whenever I feel it panicking from a lack of people.

Today is a great day to journal and grow more as a person.

I am not alone on this journey, nor am I without support.

Today is a great day to learn more about myself.

After reciting this mantra for the last few months, I have begun to calm down on Saturdays or when I have to be alone.

Our brain takes time to create new pathways, but it’s up to us to help make sure it’s creating healthy ones to better habits.

If you want to know more about my work, check out my latest poetry collection.

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